Whoa.. totally forgot about xanga.

I feel almost unworthy to blog in here anymore.  Just a couple weeks ago I was trying to write and reflect... but I'm afraid college has the effect of turning the mind into mush.  You transform into this drone that knows nothing but the absorption of useless material.  Well, that is cause I haven't really begun to dive into my major yet.

It's amazing, because after all these years, I believe I am still the same... it is Life that has done it's 180.  I feel like right now I do not exist in a real world.  It is a kind of Narnia, or Limbo.  (But don't listen to my crap, it's bullshit.)

I'm 19, I'm unemployed, I'm a jock and I like to relax and hang out with my boyfriend.  Package deal, huh.  Life can't get any simpler.  It is almost delightful for me to worry about things like "handing in my housing deposit on time, registering early, getting up for class".  I'm still adjusting to the culture shock.  Seven months ago I was at home waiting for something to happen.  One year ago I was being eaten away by the slowness of time in high school. 

High school was alright... but it wasn't school that made life so different than what it is now, it was my home life.  It was my norms, my outdated friends, my familiarity with home and who's who and what's what.  My room.. my family.. my arguing parents.. my brother.. my music.... all mine.  I want to take these things as possessions and fit them in my car and bring them to my dorm.  But I don't want them to be as they were, I simply want them to be kept away in its package for keepsake.  My world is empty now and it's great.  I just don't know what to do now with all this old stuff.

......I want a disclaimer that trails behind me and describes my personality, my limits, my shortcomings, and my interests.  I automatically assume that strangers should know me, they should understand what I say, they should immediately relate.  So I always wondered about: "What do other people think of me?"  (I was really in the dark about it.)  But what I am slowly realizing is how I seemed to other people, in an outward sense.  By seeing this, it's getting easier to fix my quirks and adjust previous notions of ideas I used to have.

The Following is an entry written on April 16, 2001 at 2:30am.  I was 15

....... how tempting it is now to take that entire passage and SIMPLIFY and EDIT it. heh... then again I still tend to ramble come three years later.

How can you tell between when you are bored and when you are doing nothing?  I think it's kinda easy.  I think you can be doing stuff with people and it could be *boring*.  But you could be alone and just be doing nothing but not be bored and extremely content.  Or if you're at a club and no one's dancing... that's boring, so you're bored.  But being home doesn't necessarily mean you're bored.

I put my retainer in today, my teeth are shifting?!? badddd....

blablabla...

It is time to grace this xanga with my presence again.

I've realized a couple things these passed couple days.

#1, I don't trust strangers.. or people in general.  If I meet a stranger and I interact with them as myself, it is because I'm comfortable with them.  When I am comfortable I share.  Otherwise, I spit out robotic-like expressions and answers that really mean jack shit.

#2, I could possibly be bipolar  It's a common mental condition this day and age.  My question is what happens from self-diagnoses in such things?  Essentially, someone that knows they are loco isn't really crazy at all.  I think sanity is something we all have, but not many make good use of it.

#3, I like not having alot of friends,  This goes hand in hand with the principle of not having a cell fone.  I LIKE not having a cell fone, EVEN THOUGH I do own one.  But if you know me, you know that I've gone months without a cell fone at times.  I like the idea of not being connected with the world.

But back to the friends thing... after most of them have gone off to college, while the others have already been distant in location (but not in relation!) to me, I've felt nothing but coziness.  I think this coziness comes from the lack of peer pressure.  I like going my own path... (aka being selfish) >>cough<< .. and not having to schedule my train of thought around meetings and gatherings of other people every day.  I think I spend 80% of my life thinking and <h7>zoning out</h7>.

#4, I am my father's daughter, aka his protege.  I never thought I'd end up this way, (probably neither did he) but my father has raised me on principles and rules.  He never really spent alot of time with me but gave me a hell of alot of advice.  He taught me to stay focused, set myself apart from other people, to excel, to conversate, discussed sports with me, taught me how to drive stick shift, showed me the value of loyalty/hard work/sacrifice, allowed me to see things about people that are unsaid (especially of him), and most of all... taught me how to pass up opportunity.  Gosh.  All those things except the last are attributes.  Every time i wnted to go play, to hang out, to go out, my father said "learn the word no" "learn how to say no" "learn the meaning of no".. what's crazy was that at first it meant "learn that no means no when i say it" but now it means "learn how to say no for yourself". 

Now the power of no allows oneself to be completely unswayed by outside forces, as if they can resist the wind.  But what's crazy is that the wind, the current, this world takes you to amazing places and people.  And sometimes letting yourself go and saying yes is a good idea.  Saying no all the time keeps you on your own track, a track which might require you to plow through life your own way.

#5, (i'm getting really disorganized right about now) As I prepare in my final week to depart for college - I feel like I'm at the edge of a cliff, about to jump down. Thing is.. I have no idea how steep the fall is.  This jump is gonna be so fun, I've been waiting quite some time to get up this friggin hill.  I think to myself that difficulty in a certain a period of time is bareable, but time itself is almost unbareable.  Fuck the human process and stages of life.  I should have been college bound a couple years ago.  I wasted a load of time. 

HEHEHEHE!!!! I'm watching "Johnny English" with Rowan Atkinson (Mr. Bean) and it seemed stupid this whole time ( cuz i've been blogging this whole time ) until now cuz during a ceremony at a cathedral, he was being taken away by security, but he told the news camera to play the important *DVD* , which has special evidence of badness on the antagonist of the movie, but instead it was mr. bean dancing around in the bathroom lip syncing with a tooth brush to some song. it's funEeEe.  Ok now that it's just a bunch of mumbo jumbo action scene, I'm back to the computer.